Why I don't trust movie critics

Apologies for using the obvious.

I guess I could say it all in a paragraph, but padding is something I had to learn in school. Describing how the poetry of Sylvia Plath didn’t appeal to you was expected to last several pages when it could be said in one sentence. Anyway, I don’t trust movie critics and I will explain why after the fact.

What’s the purpose of a movie critic, well, ideally they can explain in an objective way why you should or shouldn’t go and spend your hard earned  (or rather thankfully earned) cash on a cinema ticket. Back in the day, when the cinema was perhaps one of the more appealing  sources of entertainment on a weekday night, if you ended up seeing a crap movie you weren’t out of pocket too much (the popcorn doesn’t count, you know you enjoyed that).

Today’s cinema is a different beast however, instead of heading out for a casual evening during the week, it’s normally the weekend when we go. Why? Well unless you live in the city (one that’s not dead on the inside of course), you’ll have to drive, find a place to park and so on. Extra hassle on a school night that’s not really worth it when TV’s right there in front of the couch.

On top of that, the cinema today costs a heck of a lot more. Popcorn aside, you’re talking at least $8 ($7 with my ‘student’ discount) and for that much, I demand satisfaction from my movie. So of course, I should turn to the movie critic, an unbiased guide to what film is least likely to leave me crying on the inside.

Except there’s a problem. We live in the 21st century. The internet has made TV obsolete and has improved countless other services. Before, I would look at the local paper and see what movies the critic recommended. Now I can jump online and read the same critic’s review or, I can choose from any of the other critics out there. I can even find real people like me and see what they thought of the movie.

So far so good, right? True, but we’re still trusting the critic and his opinions. So to cut to the chase as it were, my beef with critics is that they nitpick too much. Justifying a film based on the finer points of the plot or the dialogue or the characters or the directions, etc, etc. More often than not, this kind of stuff sails right over my head as I watch the film. Case in point: The Simpsons Movie.

Prior to its release, my brother and I agreed to go and see it twice, once for shits and giggles, a second in order to critique it more closely. So we went the first time, and there were parts where I was in tears with laughter. Overall we enjoyed it, and, as agreed, we went back a fortnight later to see it again. This time we noticed the poor writing, the overarching plot and the complete alteration of the family from what they used to be.

The point is we had a great time when we first saw it. I enjoyed myself and so did my brother. Too often a critic gives us too much information, or they write with the highest common denominator in mind. There are really only two types of movies, those that are good and those that are bad. And I firmly believe that if it’s given a widespread release, then there really is no point trying to paint a movie in shades of gray.

You can please some of the people some of the time, but all of the people none of the time. Just tell me whether the movie is worth $8 (or in my case, $7). If I want a more detailed breakdown, I’ll visit your blog.